When we finally had that positive pregnancy test last September and we started thinking about what pregnancy, the birth, and life with a newborn would be like, never in a million years would we have predicted or even considered a global pandemic impacting our lives. Much of what is going on today during the COVID-19 outbreak seems more like it belongs in a Sci-Fi movie than real life, and to consider that all of this chaos really just unfolded over the course of 2 months is just incredible. As I sit here writing this, we’re about a week out from having this baby. It’s been such an emotional rollercoaster and I really wanted to document these emotions and thoughts before our world changes forever and we become a family of three. We’ve learned so much about ourselves and have gained new perspectives through this entire ordeal. This blog post will cover the crazy ride as we have navigated the good, the bad, and the ugly of pregnancy during a pandemic.

The Ugly -

I’m going to start with the ugly and get it out of the way, because I prefer to end on a positive note and focus on the good. What I consider “ugly” are the things that have been so rough, so emotional that they’ve led to just severe overwhelm and plenty of ugly crying.

1. The Fear

From the moment I saw those 2 pink lines my perspective about my health and therefore the health of this unborn baby shifted in an instant. It started with an avoidance of all of the obvious things that pregnant women can’t consume or come in contact with, and grew to a whole variety of dietary changes and new healthy habits. I now have a little human to grow and protect. Matt started ramping up the providing and protecting too. He started reading up on what he as the Papa Bear could do, he made some safety changes to our house and our vehicles, he started locking down the house when he left in the morning, clearing tripping hazards, and has tried to keep me from over-doing it. For nearly 40 weeks now we’ve been all in on project Protect The Baby. I’m not sure I can properly articulate the fear I’ve had around bringing a baby into the world during a massive global pandemic of a virus we know so little about. This is a brand-new virus where the sum of research and understanding of it is only about 6 months old worldwide, and likely quite less in this country. Early research has claimed that children are being infected at much lower rates than adults and the elderly. Death rates among children appear to be low. That’s all good news, but it’s still only a few months of data. And “children” is pretty vague. What does that mean for newborns, who are generally super susceptible to viruses like influenza and RSV? What if something happened and we had a premature baby? The extra vulnerability then is just terrifying. All of these fears keep plaguing us, and we just keep wondering what the world is going to be like in just a few more weeks. Are we coming out of it? Is this just round 1 of several rebounds? There is just so much unknown and the landscape is changing every day. There are so many parenting concerns and questions that are already daunting, but this is a whole new facet we never expected. Will we handle this new crisis correctly? And how do we not let the anxiety about the unknown kill us?

2. Matt was banned from all of my OB appointments

This was has been one of the most heartbreaking situations of all for us. My logical brain knew that the situation was coming to this, but when it finally happened it was just such a sharp blow. For a few weeks when things were starting to heat up in the US, each time my doctor’s office would call to confirm an appointment, they would run through a list of questions – Have you been out of the country? Have you traveled to a virus hot-spot? Have you had a fever? Shortness of breath? Coughing? Have you been around anyone with these symptoms? And so forth. They explained I would have my temperature checked at the door and I would be required to sanitize my hands upon entry into their building. On one of these phone calls they said that since the appointment was what they considered a quick, minor check-up, they preferred that I came alone just to reduce everyone’s risk, but they assured me that for the following week, when I had an ultrasound and a non-stress test scheduled, that my husband could attend again.

When we arrived the following week and proceeded to the door everything had changed. A nurse greeted us at the door and explained that Matt would not be admitted and that he would not be permitted to attend anymore appointments anytime soon. Since I was in my last trimester, I knew this meant any of my remaining appointments. He hugged me goodbye and said he’d be waiting in the car and for me to text him with any details. I proceeded inside, answered the screening questions, had my temperature taken, and checked in. The waiting room looked like a crime scene. All of the chairs, except every sixth chair was taped off to ensure patients waiting followed social distancing guidelines. Flyers were hanging around the waiting room instructing us to wait in our cars in the event all of the chairs were full. There were other flyers instructing us to leave and call and reschedule if we were sick or had a cough. I sat down in an empty chair and immediately burst into tears. For the first time, the reality of this pandemic felt so real. It finally slapped me in the face that this is not a normal situation. Everything I had thought about what the last chunk of my pregnancy would be like had flown out the window. I just kept crying and swiping at tears trying not to be obvious to the staff and other patients around me. It was then that I realized I’m doing exactly what I’m not supposed to be doing – touching my eyes, nose, and face in a public setting. I started to panic then. Here I am about to have my blood pressure monitored and have my first non-stress test and I’m having a full-blown sobbing panic attack. A nurse walked over and handed me a box of tissues. I texted Matt that I was freaking out. I tried to pull myself together. I was called back for my ultrasound. I continued crying as I laid on the table. I apologized to the technician for being such a mess. It just hit me so hard when Matt was banned at the door. She said no apology was necessary, that this situation just sucked, and that she was surprised to hear he was banned at the door as they were calling patients to inform them over the phone so this kind of shock wouldn’t happen. She explained that the reason for the ban was because another father had come into an appointment that week knowingly having the coronavirus and put them all at risk. My brain understood that. It made sense. I was glad they were taking precautions to keep us safe. But, man, was my heart just so broken.

Holding back tears listening to the heart rate monitor

I left the ultrasound and headed into another room to have the non-stress test. I had no idea what to expect there, and just kept praying that whatever happened I just hoped all looked right with the baby. They hooked me up to the monitors and said they’d be back to check on me soon. I laid there listening to the baby’s heartbeat like it was the most relaxing, meditative, white noise I’ve ever heard. I took a few calming breaths and took a video to text it to Matt so he could see what was going on and hear this amazing sound.

We’ve had eleven more OB appointments since that day, and I’ll have at least two more that I’ll need to attend alone. Matt still drives me to every one of them, and patiently waits in the car for updates and details. For some appointments we’ve used FaceTime to keep him in the loop, for other appointments that just feels extra awkward so I just send text updates. Not having him in attendance for doctor’s appointments, ultrasounds, and procedures has been tough. There’s been considerable panic about what if I need to endure labor and delivery by myself too? We keep reading horror stories out of New York City. What if things get that dire in Albany that all support partners are banned. We’ve been reassured that at Albany Medical Center, where we are planning to deliver, he will be permitted to be with me so long as he isn’t showing symptoms of the coronavirus. We’ve checked in with friends who work there, with my doctor, friends who have recently had their babies there for reassurance. And we just keep hoping and praying that as time goes on and we approach our due date, that things improve rather than worsen.

I think the saddest part of this situation is how disconnected Matt feels from the whole process now. He hadn’t missed a single appointment. He asked questions, took notes, was my second set of ears. He’s been my biggest supporter and advocate, and has been right there with me since day one. That was all cut off abruptly. I’ve been keeping him updated on all of the details. He’s downloaded a couple of “dad” pregnancy tracker apps. He’s been reading articles. But it’s just not the same as being right there seeing your baby’s heart beat on the computer screen, or hearing the ultrasound technician explain that this little blob here is the baby’s hair, this here is the shoulder bone. As we get closer and closer he’s commented about how it just doesn’t feel real yet. I wish he could feel these kicks and feel these hiccups – because THAT definitely makes it feel real.

3. The sadness that our family and friends likely won’t be able to meet our baby in person

When I’ve pictured the birth of our baby in my mind, I’ve never pictured it in complete solitude and isolation. A situation where grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and our best friends can only meet the baby through the window or via FaceTime. I always imagined those first rounds of pictures when everyone gets to hold him or her for the first time. On my side of the family, this is the first grandchild and the first great-grandchild. To say excitement is high is an understatement. It breaks my heart to think of no one being able to see the baby, and the uncertainty for how long this quarantine situation might last.

If I’m being honest, I admit that I’m not devastated that there are no visitors allowed at the hospital. I was stressing out about how to minimize the onslaught of visitors, and how to maximize the private time Matt and I could get to know and enjoy our new baby. I wanted a few hours right after the birth for just us three. I didn’t want to feel the pressure of knowing my family is in the waiting room and are eager to meet the baby too. I wanted that little bit of selfishness just to enjoy what is newly ours. I wanted time to focus on our health and healing. I wanted time to really focus on learning to breastfeed without being rushed or self-conscious. It looks like the pandemic has taken that decision right out of our hands.

After the first couple of days, though, I was looking forward to having visitors. I want to show off our new pride and joy. I want everyone to get to see him or her in all of that newborn glory. This is our first child, and these are “firsts” that you just can’t get back. I wanted the help. I want my best friend, my mom, or my grandma to come over and take care of the baby so I could eat, or bathe, or rest. I want them to provide me with some distraction or insight during what I’m sure will be an overwhelming experience as we begin parenthood. We just keep hoping that the world keeps improving and we won’t need to be in 100% isolation.

4. Sometimes I just really need a hug

Growing a human is hard. It’s hard on the body. It’s hard on the mind. It challenges you in so many ways. Deciding to grow our family was a hard hurdle to clear. Finally having some success with our dream to grow our family has been emotional. It’s the most emotional time of our lives, flipping back and forth between excitement, fear, happiness, uncertainty, and all manners of things in between. We have moments where we’re ready to kick ass and tackle any pregnancy and parenting challenge head on. Moments where we can’t wait for the fun and chaos of having a child. And we have moments where we’re wondering why we’re upsetting the balance we have in our comfortable world. Moments where we doubt whether or not we’re ready for this, or whether or not we’ll be any good at this.

These are all moments where I’ve just really wished I could go to my best friend’s house, sit on her couch, talk about all of my concerns, get some reassurance and a damn hug. It’s not fair that we had to wear masks, set up on opposite sides of her garage, and talk at a distance in order to get together and sort through the hand-me-down clothes she had. I went outside in their yard to go to the bathroom. I had to wave at her kids through the window. I should have been able to be in there playing with them. I should have been able to get a hug when I’m crying and stressed out and just overwhelmed by everything.

My grandmother has been home from her winter in Florida for 6 weeks now. I’ve had just a handful of very brief chats with her across her driveway. I have wanted nothing more than to just go over there, catch up on life, and get one of her hugs. Hugs from her can cure anything that’s wrong. I’m looking forward to the day where that can be normal again.

The Bad –

Don’t get me wrong, these things here have sucked. They’re definitely a bummer, but they are more manageable.

5. We’ve had to handle everything by ourselves

Getting ready for a new baby, especially your first baby is hard work. We’ve done some major construction on our house in order to have a bedroom set up for the nursery. It required us to finish our basement so we could store items from the massive catch-all that our spare bedroom became. This bedroom became the spare storage space for everything – extra linens, craft supplies, all of our formal wear and shoes, archery gear, music and instrument stuff, photo albums, plants, random stuff that we had nowhere else to put it. It took months to complete the sheetrock, painting, drop ceiling, new flooring, new storage cabinets, etc. We were fortunate enough to have some help from friends and family as we started this major project as soon as Christmas was over. But once March hit, and the pandemic was in full swing in New York, we still had quite a bit left – we wanted to paint and put fresh flooring in my home office (since this would be easier before we had a young child), and we needed to get the nursery constructed. We had to gut it, paint it, put in new floors, put in new trim, put in a new light fixture/ceiling fan, change out the electrical sockets to tamper-proof sockets, and furnish it. We did all of this 100% on our own. We’re lucky that we have the skills and the drive to do these sorts of home DIY projects. And we got it done. But it would have been so much easier, so much more enjoyable to have friends and family help us out with this.

I also always imagined that during the last chunk of pregnancy I would have my mom or my best friend come over and help me with other baby prep. Like help with washing and putting away baby clothes, help setting up the nursery, help deep cleaning and nesting, help preparing food to have on deck in the freezer. Help in all of these things. The good news is that having to do all of these things by ourselves kept us busy and distracted these last months, but it was really exhausting. I would have rather devoted the extra time to more relaxing or fun activities.

The last thing I’ll mention on this topic is that we’ve had to handle what I’ll call general homeowner calamities by ourselves. Our septic tank backed up into our basement twice over the course of 2 weeks. The first time we just thought that it was time for that periodic pump-out. It was a little ahead of schedule, but hey, we’re both home 24/7 now, maybe we just filled it up quick? What do we know? The second time it happened we knew something serious was wrong. It was time to call the professionals. We gave in and called my uncle who’s a plumber to see if he could come over and help us trouble-shoot this mess. We also gave in and begged my dad to come over to help assess this. Matt was exhausted. Our brand-new finished basement was filthy and in danger of being completely ruined. I was 8 months pregnant. So my dad and uncle came over and basically helped determined that yes, there was a big problem, but we’d need the local septic business to come the next day to figure out exactly what was wrong. We sucked up the standing liquid with the shop-vac and called it a night. The next day, and $500 more dollars later, we had our pipes jetted clean and the problem seemed to be solved. However, we still had a humongous mess to clean up. Matt had to re-bury the septic tank and clean and disinfect all of the tools used from the night before. We had to scrub and disinfect damn near everything in our basement. Our washer and dryer had to be cleaned inside and out. Every floor, surface, and doorknob in our house had to be cleaned. Basically, the whole house and its contents had to be cleaned and disinfected. And did I mention that this was during a pandemic and there’s a global shortage on cleaning supplies? Finding bleach was a major challenge. It took us reaching out to a few friends to finally secure enough to get by. The cleanup was absolutely exhausting and we had to handle it completely by ourselves.

6. All of the fun pregnancy things we were looking forward to were canceled

Baby shower – canceled. Babymoon – canceled. Maternity photos – canceled. All of the fun things. All of these first-time pregnancy things that I had been looking forward to in my third trimester were just canceled. As I mentioned earlier, these are firsts that we can never get back. It’s been a major bummer.

Our friends and family have gone to great lengths to make up for the canceled baby shower. We’ve received tons of gifts delivered to our house. We’re now completely set up and prepared… at least as far as the gear is concerned! Matt’s parents, sisters, and their husbands surprised us with a drive-by baby shower, complete with music, balloons, dinner, dessert, and loads of baby presents. We had friends drop off a cake, some decorations from my originally planned shower, a beautiful hand-made mobile, and some other gifts. These really went a long way towards making this whole situation feel okay and feel special. My coworkers also completely surprised me with a virtual baby shower. They had a funfetti (my favorite!) cake delivered to our house, they gave us a generous electronic gift card, and we had a ton of fun playing baby photo jeopardy. We’re also hoping to host a summer barbecue, once the world is right-side-up again to get all of our friends and family together to meet our baby.

The canceled babymoon was another bummer. We love to travel, and we do so pretty often. So at least it wasn’t as though we’d been really desperate for a trip. Right before the pandemic broke out in the US, we took a brief trip down to New York City with friends. We were able to have a really fun overnight. It wasn’t the quiet trip to a cabin in the middle of nowhere that I wanted, but we’ll make up for it someday, I guess. Also, looking on the bright side, this quarantine certainly has enabled us to get in some quality “just us” time together!

Lastly, while I wasn’t able to have the professional maternity photoshoot of my dreams, Matt has been really trying hard to document this pregnancy in photos. Photography has been a new hobby of his anyway, so it’s worked out really well.

7. Birth plan? What birth plan?

Another big change from this pandemic is that a number of things we had envisioned about the birth of our child have completely gone out the window. I feel like any effort we put into organizing a birth plan was a total waste of time now. We recognize that birth plans aren’t set in stone anyway… actually far from it. Ours was drafted as more of a dream scenario if our situation allows, and a lot of flexibility because you never know how it will turn out. In a lot of ways, that’s what this situation is – just being completely flexible to go with whatever the plan is that it laid out for us. I’ve already mentioned that there was a moment that I feared Matt wouldn’t be allowed with me, and all other visitors are banned from the hospital. Currently, Matt is allowed but he cannot leave the room. Anything we need we need to bring with us from the start. He cannot duck out to grab me a decent meal afterwards. No one can bring me that sub I’ve been craving for 9 months. I don’t think we can even walk the halls as my labor progresses. I think we’re confined to our small room for the extent of our hospital stay.

Additionally, the hospital we chose scheduled my birth as an induction so that they could select the timing and arrange the logistics. That really didn’t sit well with me. I would much rather go a natural route than have all of these risky medical interventions for the sake of hospital logistics during this pandemic. I was prepared to try and fight it, however my doctor explained that regardless of all of that, he would like to schedule an induction purely for medical reasons as the risk of me progressing past 39 weeks with gestational diabetes was greater than any of the actual risks of the induction. That put my mind at ease a little bit, but it still just baffles me that my giving birth was so quickly turned from this natural event to this “medical procedure”.

We don’t know for sure yet, but we also expect we’ll be shuffled from the hospital after as short a stay as possible to reduce everyone’s risk and to keep space open. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I’d like to get back to the comfort of our home as quickly as possible, on the other hand, I really want to not feel rushed and be certain that our baby and I get the proper care we need. I don’t want to get home too early just to have to turn around and head back if something unexpected comes up. I’d like to have extra time with the people who are experienced in newborn care, like the lactation consultants. Lastly, we also learned that our pediatrician, who would normally come to the hospital and examine our baby herself is no longer permitted. To reduce risk, the hospital has restricted/banned all visiting doctors and we are required to use a hospital pediatrician. It’s not a real terrible thing, but it’s a bummer that our first visits won’t be with the doctor we’ve been establishing a relationship with and we’ll need to go the extra mile to ensure all of our medical records are shared appropriately.

All in all, births are going to go as they go. You can’t predict them; you can’t plan them. However, I wanted to point out that even some of the basic things that we normally would have some decision-making power around have been made for us.

The Good –

Some of the “good” things we’re noticing as outcomes of being pregnant in a pandemic weren’t necessarily unexpected. However, there are a number of what I’ve been calling “silver linings” that did surprise us.

8. More Time For Us to Spend Together As A Family

Here’s an obvious one – this pandemic has given Matt and I loads more time to spend together. Life has slowed down, we’re both working from home. We’re together nearly 24/7, with very few breaks. There are some times where that has been difficult, especially for me, the introvert. I need recharge time by myself, but we’ve been pretty good about that. Matt will head outside to do some things, or maybe take a trip out of the house to check on a work project. I’ll tuck away and read in a different room. Overall, it has been really nice. We share a really large number of the same hobbies and interests. It’s been great to slow down, maybe cuddle and watch TV. We’ve been taking long walks together, or taking long drives. We try to find interesting places for him to take photographs. We’ve watched movies and built elaborate LEGOs. We’ve cooked gourmet meals from scratch. We’ve spent some really great quality time together in our last months as a family of 2. While it hasn’t included true date nights, or a babymoon, it’s been great to focus on just us for this little while longer. We’ve been able to strengthen our bond as we head into a new chapter that will challenge us in new ways.

We have also been able to spend loads of time playing with our dogs. We have 3 dogs who are getting unprecedented amounts of attention. We’re hoping that’s a good thing for them as their world will be turned up-side-down soon too. We’re also hoping that some of the new routines and habits we’ve gotten into with them are helpful when there’s a newborn taking up most of the attention. The time we’ve had with them now has been relieving the guilt I can’t help but feel as we start this new life that will inevitably make life different for them.

9. More Time For Us to Devote to Preparing For Baby

Being home all of the time and banned from social activities has really forced us to make major progress getting things done around our house and prepared, as best we can, for the arrival of our baby. We’ve had full weekends and evenings to devote 100% to home construction projects, deep cleaning, purging and organizing, preparing the nursery, setting up pre-made meals, organizing baskets of baby essentials, and doing fun crafts. It’s enabled TONS of nesting, which makes my to-do list making, super-prepper heart happy. As I mentioned in “the Bad”, it’s been difficult to do all of these tasks alone, without any help. However, the pandemic has really allowed us to get it all done. We’re both, naturally, busy-bodies. We need to keep busy, and for me, especially, I’ve needed projects to keep me distracted from the anxiety and physical discomfort of pregnancy. Having nothing but free time has paved the way for tons of productivity and this general sense of “we’re ready”.

10. It’s Forced Us To Get Flexible & Learn To Work From Home And Juggle Work At Home

Matt and I have both been working from home since early March. I’ve been working from home 100% of the time, and he’s been working from home probably more than 90% of the time. He’s still had to run into the office to pick up some things, attend a couple of meetings, and check on some job sites. Conveniently, we both set up our home offices right before all hell broke loose. It was already part of our pre-baby plan to get my office painted and install new flooring. Matt also wanted to set himself up a personal work-space that could be his office and his craft space in our newly remodeled basement, so he had somewhere for him once the baby was here. We thought these offices would certainly come in handy when we’re juggling raising a family and having our careers. Having our offices on separate floors has also worked well for us. We stay out of each other’s way and we both have been massively efficient at getting our work done. We made even more progress than I think we both expected at completing work projects and setting ourselves up before my 12+ week maternity leave, and the couple of weeks that Matt is taking off right after the baby is born. This new system has also taught us how to adapt and juggle getting our work done and sharing in basic household responsibilities. We’ve shared meal prepping responsibilities by making each other breakfasts, lunches, and dinners around our work. We’ve learned how to wedge in dishes, laundry, and other cleaning into breaks around our day. These are little things, but there have been lessons in learning a new system, which I think will serve us well when we’re working out a whole new system with a baby.

11. The World Has Slowed Down & Hit Pause

One of the most frustrating things about becoming pregnant is suddenly your social life seems to grind to a halt. It happens gradually at first. Your friends stop inviting you out thinking you won’t want to attend if it’s a night at the bar. Or maybe you’re feeling tired or nauseous so you decline a get-together or two. Suddenly, you’re left out and only included on big things. I guess its preparation for that first chunk of life with a newborn where you literally have no social life. We’ve watched this happen with friends as they’ve started their families, and it certainly started happening with us. With the pandemic, however, everyone’s social life has ground to a halt. We’re no longer missing out on things, because everyone is. It certainly has taken the sting out of the new-parenthood transition.

It’s allowed us to focus our time 100% on our needs, whether it be getting projects done or devoting time to our relationship or to self-care. We’ve had more time to relax. We’re not being stressed out by life with a full calendar. We’ve been able to focus on what our needs our without having to consider anything and anyone else, and that has been refreshing.

We’ve also been learning new ways to connect with our friends. We’ve had virtual happy hour’s, and other video-calls with friends. There have been lots of “just checking in / doing a sanity check” texts and phone calls. We’ve played Yahtzee and trivia with friends over video-calls. We’ve driven by our friend’s houses and have dropped off little gift packages. We’ve had a few parades to celebrate our friends’ kid’s birthdays. We’ve really tried to find new approaches to maintaining and growing our relationships in this weird, isolating, distant time. I think this will also serve us well as we establish new routines and need to dedicate all of our energy to our new family.

12. We’re Going To Have More Private Bonding Time With Our Baby

The limitation on visitors is a double-edged sword. It definitely hurts to have to start parenting in near-isolation. It hurts that we can’t introduce our son or daughter to all of the people who are special in our lives. That being said, I think a silver lining is that we’ll be able to focus on our healing, establishing routines, and bonding in a way that most new parents can’t when they’re fielding loads of visitors and trying to maintain some aspects of their social lives.

13. We’re All In This Together

The world is absolutely insane right now. That is for certain. While there’s a lot of negativity being projected all over the place – to the point where I need to really limit my news and social media intake… because it’s depressing – there’s also an overwhelming sense of “we’re all in this together” that is being projected. Neighbors are helping neighbors. Patrons are going above and beyond to help the small businesses they know and love. Friends and family are reaching out more than ever before to make sure their loved ones are doing alright. There are good people working really hard to protect and promote our healthcare workers and other essential workers. There’s an old saying about how “it takes a village” to raise a child. Even though, in a lot of ways, we’re more isolated and distant than we’ve ever been, I’ve never felt more of a sense of “we’re all in this chaos together and we’ll get through it together”. There’s just something empowering about witnessing that and knowing we’re capable of this “village” as we’re on the cusp on beginning to raise our child.

Pregnant During A Pandemic

The Ugly -

The Bad –

The Good –